God in the center of our relationships

Posts tagged ‘communication’

Seven Ways To Destroy Your Marriage

Want to absolutely destroy your marriage?  Here are seven ways that always work!

from Pastor Perry Noble

#1 – Refuse To Communicate

Talk about the person and not to them because doing so will be awkward…this will assure destruction!  And, the silent treatment is really an amazing weapon when it comes to refusing to communicate, don’t worry about the fact that five year olds do it…just own it!

#2 – Refuse To Listen

Interrupting my spouse during conflict to immediately correct them and then trying my best to make a stronger point always helps tear a relationship to pieces!

#3 – Always Assuming The Absolute Worse About Your Spouse

As soon as I hear (or even think about) something negative about my spouse it is absolutely essential to carry that thought to its fullest illogical conclusion.  Don’t EVER ask for an explanation or clarification as more open communication will lead to a stronger marriage!

#4 – Make Sure The Goal Is To Win The Argument Rather Than Actually Settle The Dispute

If you realize you are wrong about something you must allow pride to dominate your thought life, thus unleashing a barrage of accusations that actually have nothing to do with what the original argument/discussion had to do with in the first place!  Win at all costs, even if it means saying things that hurt and wound deeply.

#5 – You Must View Your Spouse As Your Enemy, NOT Your Friend

You cannot see your spouse and you as being on the same team if you want a great marriage, you must view everything as some sort of game and make it a goal to compete with them and not actually complete them.

#6 – Focus As Much As Possible On Their Inadequacies & Shortcomings

You’ve GOT to talk about how much they are “not meeting your needs” and how they need to “step up and do better” as often as possible.  By all means do NOT take a look at yourself and what you could do to improve the marriage.  Everything MUST be blamed on them and you’ve got to see yourself as flawless and perfect.

#7 – Do NOT Have Fun Together

Heck no!!!  You need your set of friends and your spouse needs their set.  Don’t have mutual friends.  Don’t have date nights.  Don’t do anything fun as a family.  Make sure that when you are out on a date as a couple you spend as much time on your phone with someone else as possible because communication with your spouse will do nothing except make your marriage stronger.

Tips on studying the girl

Reposting this blog from: actlikeaman.org

Here is a formspring question:

Can you give some practical guides in studying the girl?

They say if you want your relationship with your girlfriend/fiancee/ spouse to flourish you have to study them. Here are some practical ways to study your girl:

1. Listen to her.

If there is one thing a girl likes, it is a man who knows how to listen attentively. When she talks, listen sincerely.

2. Know what she likes and what she doesn’t like.

Sa Tagalog, alamin mo ang kiliti niya.

3. Know her love language.

Does she respond with words? with an act of service? with gifts? with time spend with her? with touch? Read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman for a detailed look on the love languages.

4. Communicate. 

Talk to her on your dates. Movie dates are ok but you don’t communicate on movie dates. Have coffee. For husbands, force yourself to dig deeper in the relationship. Sometimes the challenge is that there is nothing else to say but as you dig deeper or become more vulnerable, you are able to share a lot of what is in your heart.

5 Tips when Communicating with Men

from: ronedmondson.com

I hear from both sides continually. Between the two sexes, communication appears to be the biggest struggle. It’s a constant work in progress in my own marriage. The differences in men and women make communication difficult.

My counseling background and years of experience working with couples has given me insight into some of the barriers men and women face when communicating. I realize not all men are alike, but there are some generalities that can perhaps help a woman better understand a man and improve communication.

Here are 5 tips to communicating with a man:

We meant what we said…not what you heard – Thats true 99% of the time. (Statistically verifiable :) ) Men are usually more literal, and frankly simple-minded, so we aren’t usually talking in a code language. Not that women would be… :) Try to hear only what was said without attaching extra thoughts triggered by emotions. Ask if his statement had a deeper meaning before making assumptions. Most likely he meant only…nothing more…than what was said. (I can’t tell you how many classic examples of marriage problems I’ve seen develop with just this one tip.)

We don’t often like to give details – If we said where we were going, who we had a discussion with or what we had for lunch, that’s usually enough for us. We may not like going into detail beyond those simple facts. I understand you may need and even deserve more information, especially when a man hasn’t proven trustworthy, but know its often out of our realm of comfort to provide it. When it’s not a matter of trust, the less you pump for details the more likely we’ll be to share facts, and even occasionally, details.

Our range of emotions are limited – Most men don’t feel as deeply or multi-faceted as a woman feels about an issue. It’s not that we don’t care. It’s just that we are wired differently. If you ask us how we feel, “happy” or “sad” may be as descriptive as we can get. Because of this, men tend to communicate more factually and less emotionally.

When you may tend to cry we may tend to get angry – There is never an excuse to misuse anger and abuse of any kind should not be tolerated, but anger in itself is not a sin. The Bible says “in your anger do not sin”, but it seems to assume we will have moments of anger. The same things that cause most girl’s emotions to produce tears, often cause a man to develop testosterone-producing anger. A godly man learns to handle that anger responsibly, but it doesn’t eliminate the response. When an issue riles a man emotionally, it helps if you understand his emotions may be normal and you may even be able to help him channel his response to that emotion. Cheryl does that for me continually.

Sometimes we have a hard time communicating what’s on our heart…often we never do – This is sad and we may even know it. The more you make us feel we’ll be respected regardless of the situation or the emotions we display, the more likely you’ll see our true emotions. You can actually help us with this one!

Please understand. I’m not making excuses for men. The basic premise of all of these is to remember that men and women are different. I’m simply trying to help you communicate with a man.

Men, what did I miss?

Wives, any tips on how we could better understand you? I’ve learned a few and could share them, but thought it may come better from you :) .

You may also want to see : 5 tips when communicating with women

5 tips when communicating with women

from: ronedmondson.com

I have studied relationships, however, and I’ve studied my wife. My degree in counseling and experience working with hundreds of couples has helped me process some thoughts about men and women and how they communicate. I wrote these, but ran them by Cheryl prior to posting. As I said with the men, remember these are generalized statements, so not all women will fit in each of these.

Here are 5 tips when communicating with women:

There may be a deeper meaning – What a woman says most likely represents the way she feels, which may or may not be captured completely by the words she uses. It’s harder to put emotions into words. I find it important to ask Cheryl to clarify what she’s saying often. It sometimes helps if I repeat back what I think she’s saying, then allow her to tell me what I’m missing.

Emotions are attached so the way you say it is important – Valuing relationships and people, women tend to think and communicate more with their hearts. It’s more difficult for a woman to “set feelings aside”. They are relational and more subject to getting their feelings hurt. As with men, some women avoid conflict and some are more comfortable with it, but the approach of an issue is important for all women. Women don’t necessarily want to avoid discussing the difficult issues, but they do want men to consider how they say things. Words can have heavier meanings for a women, since they are often interpreted with emotions.

Details are important if they are attached to someone they love – I always joke that Cheryl can remember where the socks in the house are, because they are worn by someone she loves. Women want to know details of a man’s life because she loves the man. I have to remember this when Cheryl asks for more details about my day. Sometimes her questioning about is just so she can be a part of it; not to burden me with questions. Also, because trust develops with information and experience, and because women may live closer to the emotions of an issue than even the facts sometimes, details can be important in learning to trust a man. Knowledge and information helps keep the woman’s heart from emotions such as worry or fear.

Crying is a way to express and release emotions – With intense emotions; sometimes a woman can feel overwhelmed with stress, anger, grief or even pleasure. Tears are a natural reaction to life’s highs and low and are nothing to be feared. Cheryl knows, however, that when she cries I get uncomfortable. Just as a man needs to learn to use anger responsibly, the same is true of tears for a woman. Understanding this as a way of expressing emotions, however, goes a long way in helping a man cope with tears.

They don’t always need you to fix things…listen as they work through it – This is a hard lesson for a man. Cheryl processes with me as she shares the burdens of her day, a stress she feels, or a disappointment in her life. She doesn’t usually want me to have an answer…at least not immediately…she wants me to be a sounding board as she thinks through the issue. I’ve learned that sometimes it is best to say nothing…just listen…until she asks me for an opinion. Of course, when she says “Go” I’m ready with the solution. :)

Learning to communicate better as men and women makes life more enjoyable for both genders. Most women I know are willing to admit that a woman can be more complicated to understand than a man. I’ve learned by experience that when I don’t understand how to communicate with Cheryl…or what she is saying…or when I mess up…I get tremendous credit for asking her to help me understand. Cheryl always seems patient with me when I’m attempting to communicate better. Men, it’s worth the effort!

Women, what would you add to my list?

You may also want to see : 5 tips when communicating with men

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